Love, The Devil, and The Pursuit of Sanity

Someone wrote, that they are happy and sad at the same time and they are trying to figure out how that can be.

Simple, it’s life.

Life is the ultimate roller coaster. It starts off with that horrifying clanking sound and you go down an immediate drop that sends you off the edge of your seat and makes you question why you are even still around for the damn thing, but then you rise up and settle into the smoothness of the ride, you learn to accept the turns, the occasional loop that it throws you, barrel rolls that make you lose your way, but then you are right back on the track. 

Nerves are misplaced excitement.

Regrets make you miss the next best thing.

The worst thing that can happen, is they say no.

There is no need to figure it all out, because why waste the time figuring out why it’s happening, when you can enjoy that it is.

Everything happens for a reason, but I’d rather not know it. Makes it more fun.

The greatest thing is to love, and to be loved in return. Forget everything else just remember this phrase. 

Tu sei il miele del leone.

and don’t forget it.

New chapter.
New Year.
Bt is it really a new start?
Same burdens, same people.
I get that they’re angry.
I know that they’re hurt
That they don’t remember what was said to them
They weren’t the one that got the phone call afterwards.
They don’t know the toll on me.
I don’t hate them,
I will always love them
But it’s not the love they
I say it not to harm them
But to save them from the questions they have.
I don’t hate
Too much of that in my heart.
I just want Mary Tyler Moore to be happy,
And for her to understand Iron Man is flying solo.
Not because it’s his first choice.
But the choice he made.
And he can’t go back on it.

Moment in your life.
Usually just a single one, where you wish that they understood.
The burden carried by you.
Everyday.
The heartache.
The way that things cause a hard look in your eyes.
The following of death and destruction that defined your adolescence.
That the person may be upset by what you did, hate you in that loving hatred. Despise you. Want you.
Yet you know you dod it for a reason. The right one. The one that knew you didn’t want to drag them down with you.
In a spiral.
A maelstrom.
And it was the fear of this devilish curse that guided your hand.
And that they convince themselves that it was because you never fell for them or that they weren’t good enough.
It’s the pain of knowing that they think that, when really you did it because they were.
And they never believe you.

Lights up, a man and a woman enter the stage wearing very shabby prison garments. The setting is an Auschwitz Concentration Camp Shower.

Genowefa

After three days working out in the yard, finally a nice clean shower. Very nice of the Germans to let us shower together, was it not Krzysztof?

kryzysztof

Yes, it was, almost too nice of the Nazi bastards.

GENOWEFA

Kryzysztof! Watch your language! They were nice enough to let us shower together! We should thank Yahweh for that!

KRYZYSZTOF

Yes, my dear Genowefa, thank Yahweh.

Genowefa stops, and starts to smell something.

GENOWEFA

Do you smell that?

KRYZYSZTOF

Oh no.

GENOWEFA

The rumors, no the rumors cannot be true!

KRYZYSZTOF

They have to be! You are smelling it as well as I am!

GENOWEFA

They need us! Who else is going to run the Camp?

KRYZYSZTOF

The other millions of Jews that they import here like cotton?

GENOWEFA

It is NOT the time to be a smartass Kryzystof! We need a plan, or we are going to die here!

KRYZYSZTOF

I am guessing that is there plan, and to think you were mad because I called them bastards.

GENOWEFA

No, I refuse to accept this. I will not die here like a, a, a, a, a,-

KRYZYSZTOF

Jew?

GENOWEFA

I was going to say animal! I REFUSE!

She runs over to the door and starts hitting it, over and over again.

GENOWEFA

Budge, budge, budge, BUDGE. Come on!

KRYZYSZTOF

There is no use! It’s French Oak! The door will never surrender!

GENOWEFA

Damn the French.

She starts to pace, as Kryzysztof sits down on the ground.

GENOWEFA

No, this is not how we are going out. We have plans, we were going to grow old and watch our farmland turn into developmental communities with houses built too close to one another together. This was not the plan at all. We can figure a way out of this. We are Jewish, hell, we are polish. We are in fact KIKEY POLACKS. The most efficent hide and seek players in the world.

KRYZYSZTOF

That prize actually was just given to a young girl in Amersterdam not to long ago.

GENOWEFA

What?

KRYZYSZTOF

Didn’t you read the Auschwitz Times? It was a side article claiming a young girl named Anne Frank was crowned hide and seek champion.

GENOWEFA

We have a newspaper?

KRYZYSZTOF

The Auschwitz Times: Hot off the presses and straight into the ovens! I don’t get understand the slogan but it has a ring somewhere.

GENOWEFA

I can’t beleive I am spending precious time that I could be using to break out of this shower talking about a newspaper with you. We need to get out of here. I am going to try digging here. The floor looks German.

KRYZYSZTOF

What does the floor being German have to do with breaking out?

GENOWEFA

Well, the Germans are all efficent and everything but the leader that makes the German foundation is cracked. Therefore, so are there floors!

KRYZYSZTOF

Adolf is not the only one cracked.

GENOWEFA

Be quite you, I need something to smash into the ground with.

KRYZYSZTOF

I have a confession.

GENOWEFA

Now is not a good time. We have wasted enough time already.

KRYZYSZTOF

I need to tell you something.

GENOWEFA

Again, I am a little busy at the moment.

KRYZYSZTOF

I can’t die with this on my chest.

GENOWEFA

We are NOT going to die! Do you hear me?

KRYZYSZTOF

I-

GENOWEFA

Either help me or shut the hell up!

KRYZYSZTOF

I SLEPT WITH YOUR SISTER!

Genowefa, pauses, and then looks at Kryzysztof.

GENOWEFA

I don’t have a sister…

KRYZYSZTOF

I know, I just wanted to get your attention.

GENOWEFA

How is this the pressing issue at the moment. There is POSINOUS gas coming in from underneath the doors and now you want to-

KRYZYSZTOF

I NEVER LIKED YOUR MEATLOAF!

Long pause, where Genowefa just stares at Kryzysztof.

GENOWEFA

I beg your pardon?

KRYZYSZTOF

I never liked your meatloaf.

GENOWEFA

My grand ma’ma’s recipe?

KRYZYSZTOF

Grand ma’ma’s recipe.

GENOWEFA

How did you not like it?

KRYZYSZTOF

You can’t cook. I have spent twelve years of my life eating your shitty food. It wasn’t just the meatloaf. Everything I have eaten has tasted horrible.

GENOWEFA

That’s because were Polish!

KRYZYSZTOF

You make me want to eat Polish Food!

Gasp from Genowefa.

GENOWEFA

How. Dare. You.

KRYZYSZTOF

I dreaded every moment you stepped in front of the stove!

GENOWEFA

This is the most hurtful thing, you could say to me-

KRYZYSZTOF

How did I marry the one woman who shouldn’t be allowed in the kitchen.

GENOWEFA

You are horrendous in bed!

Another pause.

GENOWEFA

Yeah, I said it. You make the American way of knocking a girl up in daddy’s studebaker seem like the ultimate in sexual fantasies.

KRYZYSZTOF

You said I was a stallion…

GENOWEFA

I lied. The only stallion you were was a jackass.

KRYZYSZTOF

If I was this bad, why did you keep having sex with me then? Huh?

GENOWEFA

I thought practice was supposed to make perfect! You proved that wrong.

KRYZYSZTOF

Oh yeah, well you can’t drive the horse drawn carrage.

GENOWEFA

Oh, please, I drive that very well.

KRYZYSZTOF

For an asian.

GENOWEFA

And what’s that supposed to mean?

KRYZYSZTOF

You know all asian’s can’t drive their horses.

GENOWEFA

And why’s that.

KRYZYSZTOF

Because their vision is slanted! And yet somehow, you can’t direct the horse without causing an accident and you have perfect vision.

GENOWEFA

You can’t go to the outhouse without leaving the seat up!

KRYZYSZTOF

How is that a bad thing? It proves I am a man!

GENOWEFA

I can’t stand it.

KRYZYSZTOF

Well as a woman, shouldn’t you be pissin while sitting anyway?

GENOWEFA

Oh, Ha Ha. That’s a fake laugh by the way.

KRYZYSZTOF

I am just pointing out the obvious.

GENOWEFA

And I am pointing out that for eleven years since before we got here, I almost fell inside the outhouse every time I went.

KRYZYSZTOF

Then you should have looked before you lept.

GENOWEFA

I wasn’t leaping anywhere you ignorant polack!

KRYZYSZTOF

Watch what you call me, because it’s the same species as you.

GENOWEFA

Oh were a species now?

KRYZYSZTOF

You, ah…you. DAMN WOMAN. I can’t catch any breaks.

GENOWEFA

Not when you are an idiot. I am sorry, I can’t call you an idiot because that’s an insult to the British!

KRYZYSZTOF

How does being an Idiot and British coincide?

GENOWEFA

They were the people that let Saint Adolf invade, were they not?

KRYZYSZTOF

Your mother is prettier than you! Ha, I said it, whatcha gonna do about it?

GENOWEFA

My mother is dead!

KRYZYSZTOF

Yup.

GENOWEFA

That’s disgusting!

KRYZYSZTOF

Which makes you what?

GENOWEFA

I only dated you to sleep with your brother!

KRYZYSZTOF

My brother? Teodozjusz?

GENOWEFA

No, not Teodozjusz, your other brother. Ed.

KRYZYSZTOF

Ed? The one that looks like a Jungle Baby?

GENOWEFA

No that’s Leokadia. Ed is your other brother.

KRYZYSZTOF

Is he the one who’s got a clift chin and a hump on his back?

GENOWEFA

No that’s Mikolja! Jesus, how many children did your parents have?

KRYZYSZTOF

Twenty-Two.

GENOWEFA

My Yewah, that doesn’t sound like a Jewish family at all. Where they just stupid? Or Catholic?

KRYZYSZTOF

I’M NOT JEWISH!

GENOWEFA

What?

KRYZYSZTOF

I am not a jew. I am a goy. I am a baby sprinkling, bible thumping, christ fucking, fish eater. I am a Roman Catholic.

Kryzstof breaks down crying.

GENOWEFA

You told me you were Jewish.

KRYZYSZTOF

I lied.

GENOWEFA

Why did you lie about your religion?

KRYZYSZTOF

Your mother and father would never let you marry a catholic.

GENOWEFA

So you lied about it.

KRYZYSZTOF

Yes.

GENOWEFA

Why?

KRYZYSZTOF

Because I fucking love you, bitch.

GENOWEFA

I fucking love you to.

KRYZYSZTOF

You fucking sure about that?

GENOWEFA

Damn fucking sure, despite all of your overwhelmingly large amount of faults.

KRYZYSZTOF

Get the hell over here now.

They run towards each other, and make out kiss, to which they both stop as they go into a coughing fit.

KRYZYSZTOF

Wanna find a way out?

GENOWEFA

Or die trying!

They kiss each other again, and then start trying to break down the door.

End.

A judge’s seat is shown in the middle of the

stage. To the left of it there is a witness stand,

sitting directly opposite of that, is the court’s

typist. In front of this set up is two different

tables, pointing inwards towards each other with

two men sitting at each of them. The Bailiff

stands up and is the Frankenstein monster. He

announces the Judge.

FRANKENSTEIN

All Rise.

(Mind you, his way of speaking is garbled and the

only time that he should be clearly understood by

anybody besides the judge is to correctly

pronounce his name.) The judge enters and it is

Albus Dumbledore from Harry Potter. He sits down

on the stand and then speaks.

ALBUS

Please be seated. Now the case before this court is, if

I am correct, that Count Dracula.

Dracula stands up.

DRACULA

Begging your honors pardon, but it is pronounced

Drac-oola.

FRANKENSTEIN

Sit down cracker.

ALBUS

Thank you Frankie.

Dracula sits back down.

ALBUS

That Count Dracula is suing a Mr. Edward Cullen, oh,

hello Cedric. Oh pardon, one never forgets what there

students went by in school, an old habit of teachers

everywhere. Now Cedric, excuse me Mr. Cullen is being

sued for public defamation, eschewing the vampire

legend, hearsay, and for mistaking vampires for queens.

I see that both of you have your representation

present. A Mr. Doreen Grey.

The lawyer sitting next to Edward Cullen stands.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

DORIAN

Dorian, your honor.

ALBUS

Quite right, excuse me, and a Dr. Jekyll, are you

present.

HYDE

Not currently.

ALBUS

Then who are you?

HYDE

Mr. Hyde.

ALBUS

Whatever. Now before we begin, I want a nice, clean,

trial, do we understand? I want nothing hairy like that

Wolf-man versus Jacob Black nonsense. Mr. Hyde, you may

begin.

JEKYLL

I am sorry, who?

ALBUS

You, are Mr. Hyde are you not?

JEKYLL

Why no sir, I am Dr. Jekyll.

ALBUS

Oh for the love of Fawkes. Whoever you are, make up

your mind on who you are and stick with it to give your

opening statements. Thank you.

JEKYLL

Your Honor, members of the Jury, and Mr. Cullen. Being

created is an act that we can never understand, to have

some supreme manifestation that is making us become who

we are…a character. And it is within these characters

that in the immediate rule of who we are, and what we

are, cannot shake the bounds that we are made with. And

when one comes along and attempts to ruin what we are.

Don’t we, as a people, as a creation, have a right to-

DORIAN

Objection your Honor.

HYDE

What do you mean objection?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

DORIAN

The bringing of religion into a court of law is a

unnecessary. I mean, does it really matter what your

belief is? Wither it be that there is a writer, turnip,

or a rabbit smoking a pipe with a globe in front of

him-

ALBUS

I for one believe that a woman, who ended up taking a

boys name to sell more books, created me by writing my

name down on a napkin in a coffee shop.

DORIAN

Exactly, so starting off a trial with a belief in

religion is no way to run this. We need solid facts to

come to the conclusion. To ensure that true justice,

for my client Mr. Edward Cullen.

ALBUS

I can’t see anything wrong with that. Sustained.

DORIAN

Thank you, your honor.

ALBUS

Mr. Hyde.

JEKYLL

Who?

ALBUS

Oh my Rowling. Pick a personality and stick with it.

JEKYLL

I don’t mean to be rude your honor-

ALBUS

Yes but accidental rudeness does indeed occur at an

alarming rate. Could we just proceed on. Would the

prosecution please call it’s first witness.

JEKYLL

We would like to call a Doctor Van Helsing to the

stand.

An older looking man stands up from the crowd, and

proceeds to go sit in the witness stand. He is

dutch and should speak with a slight European

accent as he presents his spiel.

JEKYLL

You are indeed Dr. Van Helsing, are you not?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

VAN HELSING

Indeed sir, or else I would never have sat in this

seat.

JEKYLL

Yes, I am aware-

VAN HELSING

I mean, every time you see a witness they are always

asked who they are, shouldn’t you have met with them

already to be able to prove that they are indeed who

you want them to be?

JEKYLL

Yes, Doctor. I know.

VAN HELSING

As long as you do.

JEKYLL

How long have you been studying Vampirism, Doctor?

VAN HELSING

Nosferatu? Since I was at University.

JEKYLL

Which would roughly be…?

VAN HELSING

Twenty-Five years ago.

JEKYLL

I see. And now what can you tell me about this

“legend”.

DRACULA

Legend? Doctor?

JEKYLL

Right, sorry, I meant disease.

DRACULA

Objection.

ALBUS

You may not call objection on your own lawyer.

DRACULA

He is disgracing me however.

FRANKENSTEIN

Sit down, and shut up.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

JEKYLL

Thank you Frankenstein.

FRANKENSTEIN

It’s pronounced Frank-EN-STEEN.

DORIAN

Isn’t that an old joke?

JEKYLL

To some as old as you maybe.

DORIAN

Excuse me are you calling me old?

JEKYLL

Yes I believe I am.

DORIAN

And what are you trying to imply.

JEKYLL

You haven’t aged in 18 years. At least Dracula starts

to look older if he doesn’t drink blood every now and

again.

DORIAN

Now see here-

JEKYLL

Oh, shut the hell up and go look at your portrait.

DORIAN

Oh, and you are any different, with your balancing act

of good and evil over there.

JEKYLL

Which I did in the name of Science-

DORIAN

While mine was in the form of self-indulgence, we all

have our vices. At least mine doesn’t want to kill

everyone.

JEKYLL

You gay fop.

ALBUS

Would anybody like some Fudge?

DORIAN

I swear to my portrait, that you only did it to find a

girl, didn’t you.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

ALBUS

I swear he’s only freshly dead.

HYDE

And you sir, can take this cane, and sit on it.

DORIAN

A cane, how quaint.

Frankenstein gets angry, moves to the middle of

the argument, and stops them from fighting each

other some more. Hyde calms down then, and returns

to being Jekyll

JEKYLL

Excuse that-

ALBUS

You are excused.

JEKYLL

Van Helsing, could you please tell us about the Vampire

symptoms.

VAN HELSING

Yes. First the common misconception of a vampire in the

sun. There is no issue with a vampire in the sun.

EDWARD

That’s because we sparkle.

Edward speaks for the first time, and he is as gay

as a three dollar bill.

VAN HELSING

I am sorry you do what now?

EDWARD

Sparkle. In the sunlight. Isn’t that right Drac?

ALBUS

Forget Gandalf, this looks like my kind of guy.

EDWARD

Someone please shine a flashlight on this.

He takes his shirt off.

EDWARD

Come on, any takers?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

DRACULA

Sit down you sparkly, gay, FAGOT.

Edward sits back down.

DRACULA

This is exactly what I am talking about. This person

here, is ruining the source that I have come from. We

vampires used to be revered, feared, and adored. We

were everything that people had wanted, but were too

horrified to comprehend. We were in other words, the

original Devil’s Advocate. And then this, MONSTER, came

into the world, and has since then, destroyed the very

foundations that we had used to send the world into

fear and loathing, by transforming us into the worst

possible creature that is loathed and hunted by all of

humanity.

JEKYLL

Drivers who don’t use a turn signal?

DORINE

A Telemarketer?

ALBUS

Xenophilius Lovegood?

VAN HELSING

George W. Bush?

FRANKENSTEIN

A Jew?

DRACULA

No, worse then all of that…a tween sex icon.

Everyone turns head in disgust.

DRACULA

Yes, a sex symbol for those who don’t even know what

sex is yet. It’s like dying and going to heaven where

72 virgins are all sitting around, waiting for you. A

whole lot of awkwardness with a general lack of knowing

what the hell they’re doing. No, because of this, this,

this, this, this, being, I cannot go into public

without some crazy, ditsy, wild, fan girl coming up to

me and wanting to know if I fathered Edward, and if I

too sparkle in the sunshine. What kind of bullshit

rhetoric is that? Huh? And I always respond the same

way-

A crazy, ditsy, wild, fan girl appears, in a team

Edward shirt.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

FAN GIRL

Oh my Myers. Are you…are you one of them? Can it be

that you are a vampire? Oh my god! What is it like? Did

you father Edward, do you sparkle. I can’t believe that

you all sparkle, are you a nice vampire like the

others, or are you one of those baddies like the

uber-hot James. Rarr. So, did you father Edward, you

never answered the question!

Dracula speaks in an aside.

DRACULA

Case in point. Now observe my usual response.

To crazy, ditsy, wild, fan girl.

DRACULA

No little girl, I did not father Edward, because I was

too busy EATING OUT YOUR MOTHER.

The crazy, ditsy, wild, fan girl runs away,

screaming. Dracula pauses for a moment.

DRACULA

Do you understand my pain now? The suffering I have to

live through? Because of him. I just never thought I

would be ashamed of who I was.

DORIAN

Get a self-portrait made. It takes away all the bad.

JEKYLL

Shut up Dorian.

Dracula sits back down in his chair.

DRACULA

I am sorry to have taken up your time, please continue

on with the case.

ALBUS

Where were we?

FRANKENSTEIN

With Van Helsing.

JEKYLL

Ah, yes thank you Frankenstein.

FRANKENSTEIN

It’s Frank-EN-STEEN!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

DRACULA

I feel as if I have heard that joke before.

DORIAN

I feel most of us have.

HYDE

Can we just move on!

The cast shuts up.

JEKYLL

Thank you, I lost my composure for a moment there. Now

Dr. Van Helsing, could you please finish this up, with

describing me the attributes that come with a Vampire?

VAN HELSING

Vampires have many different supernatural abilities.

They have strength equivalent to that of 20 strong men.

Being undead, he is immune to conventional means of

attack. The only definite way to kill him is by

decapitating him followed by impalement through the

heart with a wooden stake. Like all undead, he has the

potential to live forever and never die, though he is

not truly immortal as he can be killed by the

traditional vampire methods. They have the ability to

remain inactive for centuries. They can also defy

gravity to a certain extent, being able to climb upside

down vertical surfaces in a reptilian manner. They have

powerful hypnotic and telepathic abilities, and is also

able to command nocturnal animals such as wolves and

rats. They can also manipulate the weather, usually

creating mists to hide his presence, but also storms.

Just to name a few of the things that they are able to

do.

JEKYLL

And none of these seem to pertained to the…other

version of a vampire?

VAN HELSING

Besides superhuman strength and speed nothing.

EDWARD

That is not true. I can also read the minds of those

around me. Except for Bella, but I believe that is

because she has a “closed” mind.

DORIAN

Hopefully the legs stay closed with it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

EDWARD

I’m sorry what was that?

DORIAN

Nothing.

EDWARD

Oh! And my scent and voice are enormously seductive to

my girlfriend, Bella. So much so that I send her into a

pliant daze, simply by accident sometimes.

JEKYLL

Dear Robert Louis Stevenson, please tell me this girl

isn’t real.

EDWARD

She is, I was going to call her as a witness.

DORIAN

Edward, don’t let him know that.

JEKYLL

You are supposed to let me know of all witnesses

Dorian, that is the law.

DORIAN

Oh, is it?

JEKYLL

Yes, My Robert Lewis Stevenson, why the hell did you

become a lawyer if you can’t even understand the laws.

DORIAN

Simple. I am on a quest to become entirely self

indulgent and vain. What could be more like that then a

lawyer?

ALBUS

Gentleman, please, may we not move on?

JEKYLL

You were saying Edward.

EDWARD

That I am a completely normal vampire, just like him. I

mean doesn’t he have the ability to read minds-

DRACULA

No.

EDWARD

To have superhuman strength-

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.

DRACULA

I am not human-

EDWARD

To send girls into a pliant daze simply by speaking-

DRACULA

No.

EDWARD

As you can see, we are both the same.

VAN HELSING

Your honor, am I done here?

JEKYLL

I am finished with him your honor.

ALBUS

You may step down.

Van Helsing steps down.

ALBUS

Do you have any more witnesses, Jekyll?

JEKYLL

No, the prostitution rests.

ALBUS

You may call up your first witness Dorian.

DORIAN

Thank you your honor. I would like to call Bella Swan

to the stand.

Bella Swan walks in and goes up to the stand.

FRANKENSTEIN

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and

nothing but the truth so help you Shelley?

BELLA

I Shelley.

ALBUS

Please sit down my dear.

BELLA

I don’t need you telling me what to do. You are not my

mother.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 12.

ALBUS

Honey, I get that I’m a queen, but honestly I don’t wan

to be your mother.

DORIAN

Are you not Bella Swan?

BELLA

Yes I am.

DORIAN

Is this not, your boyfriend.

BELLA

What day is it?

DORIAN

What does that have anything to do with the question?

BELLA

Why are you asking me questions?

DORIAN

Because I am the lawyer, I ask the questions, you

answer them.

BELLA

Then why aren’t you asking me a question?

DORIAN

I am asking you questions.

BELLA

The last two sentences were in a statement format,

therefore they were not a question.

DORIAN

Oh, for the love of Oscar Wilde. It’s a Sunday. Why do

you need to know?

BELLA

Yes, Edward is my boyfriend.

DORIAN

Why did you need to know what day it was?

BELLA

Well, from Sunday to Tuesday, I am dating Edward. Then

from Wednesday to Friday, I am dating Jacob. Then on

Saturday, it’s shared custody.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 13.

DORIAN

Why is that?

BELLA

Because I am a wonderful person. Can’t you tell. I was

written that way.

JEKYLL

Flawed?

BELLA

Perfect, an exact replica of my writers image.

DORIAN

Aside from that lovely, precedent. Could you please

describe to me, why your bo is not defacing the vampire

legend at all?

BELLA

It’s simple honestly, he.

Long pause here.

DORIAN

He what?

BELLA

I don’t know, I was written to speak in incomplete

thoughts and fragments. Don’t you know?

DORIAN

No, I didn’t. How is your boyfriend a prime example of

the Vampire Culture?

BELLA

He’s a blood sucker, oh, and I heard vampires are

really sexy. I mean when Edward uses a secret word, I

just melt.

DORIAN

A secret word?

BELLA

Yes.

DORIAN

And this secret word would be?

BELLA

A secret.

Jekyll speaks to Dracula.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 14.

JEKYLL

Secret word?

DRACULA

I call Shenanigans.

To cast.

JEKYLL

Your Honor, I call Shenanigans. I mean I object.

ALBUS

How so?

JEKYLL

That a secret word is nothing to the court, that she

could be lying under oath to make it seem that every

vampire possesses the ability to use this word to get

to a female, yet it is not possible. I believe a

demonstration is in order.

BELLA

But it’s a secret!

Dracula goes over to Edward and stands over him.

DRACULA

Tell us the word.

EDWARD

No, I never will utter it.

DRACULA

Tell us.

EDWARD

No matter how the wind howls, the mountain never bends-

DRACULA

Do you want me to tell you how Carlisle was in bed?

EDWARD

Carlisle, my father-

DRACULA

Who do you think transformed him?

EDWARD

Moist! The word is Moist!

ALBUS

Just like a true Hufflepuff. Folds under pressure.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 15.

On this word, Bella starts to have an orgasm,

while everyone else shudders at the word moist.

They then notice Bella.

DRACULA

That’s fucked up.

Bella finishes, panting.

DORIAN

I am sorry, but when you say the word moist-

Bella starts up again.

JEKYLL

Dorian, if I may cross examine.

Jekyll gets up and stands next to her.

JEKYLL

Moist.

Bella goes harder.

JEKYLL

Moist.

Bella starts to pant harder.

JEKYLL

MOIST.

Bella starts screaming.

DRACULA

Ah-Ha!

JEKYLL

Your honor, I wish to conclude in my medical experience

that this woman has no secret word, and is in fact

“turned on” as most young people say, by the one word

in the Oxford-English dictionary unanimously agreed to

be the most heinous and disgusting word that a human or

otherwise can utter.

DORIAN

Get her out of my sight.

ALBUS

Dr. Jekyll are you done with this witness.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 16.

JEKYLL

Yes, get her away.

ALBUS

Frankie, please take her away.

Frankenstein picks her up and carries her away.

ALBUS

And stay away from the well! Dorian, if you could

please call up your next witness.

DORIAN

Yes, I would like to call Stephanie Meyer to the stand.

Cast is shocked by this.

JEKYLL

You can do that?

DORIAN

What?

DRACULA

Bring, one of them. A, a, a, a, a, creator? Here?

DORIAN

Yes.

ALBUS

How are you able to do that?

DORIAN

Well, she’s not a real writer is she?

Cast breathes a sigh of relief.

ALBUS

Alright, bring her in then.

Stephanie Meyer appears.

ALBUS

Swear her in Frankie.

FRANKENSTEIN

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and

nothing but the truth so help you Shelley?

STEPHANIE

I’m sorry, I don’t do this sort of thing. I’m a morman.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 17.

JEKYLL

A transsexual?

STEPHANIE

I beg your pardon…

JEKYLL

I’m not trying to be rude, I just heard you said your a

“more man.” And since I believe you are a woman, I was

confused by this.

STEPHANIE

I’m a morman.

DRACULA

He’s right, all I see is a woman.

STEPHANIE

It’s a religion.

ALBUS

Please, don’t bring religion into this, there is a

separation of fake and fiction here and we ask that you

would respect that.

STEPHANIE

Are you criticizing me?

ALBUS

No ISTEPHANIE

Because I will not stand for it. How am I supposed to

grow as an author if I am meet with nothing but

negative outlooks on my writings.

JEKYLL

Isn’t that what constructive criticism is supposed to

help with?

STEPHANIE

It is my belief that if you write what you feel, then

you feel what you write, you know?

DRACULA

Bella was right, her characters are perfect

representations of her. Hallow.

ALBUS

Just sit in the stand if you will.

She sits down. Dorian starts to ask her questions.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

DORIAN

Mrs. Meyer, what do you believe your character over

there has done for the vampire legend.

STEPHANIE

What have I done for the legend? Are you joking?

DORIAN

No, I’m Dorian.

STEPHANIE

According to a list on Amazon.com, I am the second

bestselling author of the decade.

DRACULA

Or first loser.

STEPHANIE

Which is unfair, because J.K. Rowling completely ripped

off of me. I mean honestly, she has a character that

transforms into a werewolf with the last name Black?

Such a cheat, but I believe that she will pay for her

crimes one day.

ALBUS

Sirius doesn’t turn into a werewolf, that’s Remus.

STEPHANIE

What kind of name is that?

DORIAN

Can we get back to the question, please?

STEPHANIE

Honestly, next you are going to tell me is that Remus

has a brother named Romulus. Or some other fake name.

Not a good name like Edward,-

DORIAN

Mrs. Meyer.

STEPHANIE

Or Jasper-

DORIAN

Mrs. Meyer.

STEPHANIE

Renesemee.

DORIAN

MRS. MEYER, would you please just explain how you have

helped the Vampire legend.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 19.

STEPHANIE

Because I brought it into the mainstream just as others

have before me. I had a dream, and while I was cleaning

the sheets after it, I realized that I could turn this

into a novel. So I did, and now hundreds upon thousands

of girls everywhere are now reading about a “real”

Vampire.

Dracula stands up and looks at her.

DRACULA

You sick, perverted-

JEKYLL

Sit down.

DRACULA

Menace.

HYDE

SIT DOWN NOW.

Dracula sits back down.

STEPHANIE

Thank you Doctor. Now as I was saying, I enhanced the

story. Why do they need to be suck blood, why can they,

you know, not do it? So I made them not do it. Why do

they need to die in the sunlight? Why can they not, do

something sexy instead, like the human torch from

Fantastic Four? It’s what works, ya know? And I did it,

because in my mind, it’s what’s right.

DORIAN

I have no further questions.

JEKYLL

So you wrote this after a dream one night?

STEPHANIE

Yes.

JEKYLL

And then, when cleaning the sheets the next day, you

decided to make this into a novel?

STEPHANIE

Yes…

JEKYLL

So, basically, you did nothing to enhance the legend?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 20.

STEPHANIE

I enhanced the story by-

JEKYLL

I don’t want to hear your well rehearsed interview

answer. What I am saying is that you basically wrote

down a wet dream, and got someone to publish it.

STEPHANIE

I did no such-

JEKYLL

Yes you did, and because of it, Dracula needs to go

hide away from humanity.

STEPHANIE

I refuse to believe that any damage has indeed been

done.

JEKYLL

Look at him. Look at the pain on his face that has been

caused by you.

STEPHANIE

I have no need for this mockery.

JEKYLL

And that’s the biggest word I believe you have ever

used.

STEPHANIE

I write like Hemingway, there is no need for that.

JEKYLL

And may you die like him.

STEPHANIE

That was rude.

JEKYLL

I can’t take this, I can’t. If I Hyde out right now

woman, you would die.

STEPHANIE

Woman? Did you just refer to me as Woman? How dare you

refer to me as some kind of-

JEKYLL

Now you’re a feminist?

STEPHANIE

I have always been one, what makes you think otherwise.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 21.

JEKYLL

That shitshow of a character you call Bella.

STEPHANIE

She is a representation of myself.

JEKYLL

So you are a shitshow?

STEPHANIE

No, I am perfect, and what makes you think that Bella

is any way anti-feminist?

JEKYLL

The fact that she relies on a sparkling fairy to save

her when she is in trouble and has nothing else to do

but deal with her troubles about Edward.

STEPHANIE

He is not a fairy. He is a real vampire.

ALBUS

And all I do is suck on Grindlewald’s lollipop right?

STEPHANIE

Exactly.

DRACULA

I can’t believe I am hearing this nonsense. I mean, she

is just a spare writer. She is like a spare person that

no other writer wants around, all the other Gods, like

Rowling, Wilde, Rice, and King must constantly kick you

around. Are you the writer no one likes?

STEPHANIE

What?

DRACULA

There is always that one person that hangs with

everyone, and no one likes them. I mean, the Tanner

family had Kimmy Gibbler, are you the writing outcast.

STEPHANIE

It’s only because they are envious of me because I am

the most successful of them all.

DRACULA

Oh my Stoker, you are, you simply are, you are this

spare person, this spare writer that honestly has

nothing else to do with them. You know what, I wish

someone would just kill the spare and be done with it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 22.

The “typist” that has kept the hood up the whole

time and not moved, now stands up, waves a wand,

and yells out a killing curse.

VOLDEMORT

Avada Kedavra!

Turns out the typist was Voldemort in disguise,

and Stephanie Meyer is now dead. Frankenstein

drags her body out of the courtroom. The rest go

on as if nothing has happened.

ALBUS

Any other witnesses Dorian?

DORIAN

No sir.

ALBUS

Good.

DRACULA

Good? Good? Am I not going to be compensated?

VOLDEMORT

I feel as if a great lesson has been learned here

today.

JEKYLL

Such as?

VOLDEMORT

There are many challenges in the road to life, and when

they turn out to be late thirty year old women, you can

curse them out of the way.

ALBUS

What I think he means to say is that the road to life

is challenging, and that we can move on past those

moments in life, or succumb to it.

EDWARD

So how does this challenge in life end?

Dedicated to: Lyndsay Dietrich and Marci Crawford

ACT I

Scene 1

Lights up. A living room set is shown. Stage left

that leads to what could be a bedroom, or hallway.

Stage right leads to the kitchen, and exit of the

house itself. Five seconds of nothing happens

after the lights up, and then a woman enters.

This woman is carrying with her a waste can, a

bottle of wine, and scissors. She lays everything

down on the table, where a glass is already

present, and bites the cork out of the bottle with

her teeth. She then pours the wine into the glass,

and then drinks directly from the bottle. She

grabs a handful of pictures that are in the waste

can, and puts them on the table, and then, after

picking up the scissors, starts to cut the

pictures. Another five seconds passes, and a

different woman enters from the kitchen. She walks

through carrying a handbag and appears as if she

had gotten off from work. (Directors side note, throughout the course of this show, Stephanie should be getting Drunker, while Lauren doesn’t until she starts to drink as well, and then she should catch up very quickly by drinking a lot.

LAUREN

You have no idea how horrible work was today. We had

three biker gangs come through here, and each of them

wanted, and I am not joking, strawberry… daiquiris.

Biker Gangs just aren’t the same since Hell’s Angels

decided to get all “charitable.”

She looks and realizes what the woman with wine is

doing.

LAUREN

Steph, hun, what are you doing?

Steph does not respond, but continues cutting up

the pictures.

LAUREN

Steph…Steph…Stephanie…what are you doing?

Stephanie does not look up from the pictures.

STEPH

Photo-shopping.

She continues to cut. Lauren walks over, and grabs

the next picture off the top.

LAUREN

These are all of your pictures with Dan.

STEPH

Damn right they are.

LAUREN

But that could only mean…he didn’t.

Steph picks up the bottle again and takes another

swig.

LAUREN

He couldn’t.

STEPH

He could…and did.

LAUREN

That son of a bitch. So why are you cutting out the

pictures then? Why not burn them?

STEPH

I’m making a collage.

LAUREN

Oh?

STEPH

Well, I look good in some of these pictures and I don’t

want them to go to waste because of him.

LAUREN

Sensible.

Steph takes another drink.

STEPH

I haven’t even told you the worst part yet.

LAUREN

How worse?

STEPH

The worseistist.

Lauren sits down.

LAUREN

How many of those bottles have you had?

STEPH

Not important. What’s important, is that he left me for

her.

LAUREN

Her?

STEPH

HER!

LAUREN

Her…not, Kirsten?

Steph just takes another drink and nods.

LAUREN

Kirsten O’Brien?

STEPH

That one.

LAUREN

But she’s so tiny, I mean, even you could take her.

STEPH

Oh yeah.

LAUREN

And she’s disgusting.

STEPH

Which just makes it insulting.

LAUREN

How so?

STEPH

Because she looks like a dog. And that means if I were

to “take her” the moment I touch her it’s animal

cruelty.

LAUREN

Steph, as a woman you are always allowed to hit a bitch.

STEPH

I just can’t believe that he feels that she is an

improvement. Doesn’t it normally mean that when a man

breaks up with a woman, he is taking a step up from the

one he just left?

LAUREN

Oh, no dear, not at all. Look at Hugh Grant and

Elizabeth Hurley. I do have to say I am impressed

though.

STEPH

How so?

LAUREN

Usually when I am upset, I don’t go for bottled wine. I

want to box it out. There’s just something…barbaric,

and raw…about boxed wine. It’s perfect for feeling

low.

STEPH

Don’t be impressed.

She pulls out a empty and mauled looking box from

under the couch.

STEPH

I finished this before you got here.

LAUREN

Oh dear god.

STEPH

What?

LAUREN

Well, I don’t have work tomorrow, so-

STEPH

Just cut to the chase and grab a glass.

Lauren goes and gets a drink. Steph’s phone goes

off.

STEPH

Hello…Hi Danny…No, I’m fine…I am

Fanfuckintaboulous…what’s that…You’ve got to be

kidding me…No honestly you’re joking…You’re

something else you know that…you just…I don’t even

know what to say…What do you mean “Say Yes?”…No,

you can just go to hell…like hell that was

unnecessary…you know what…you can take your small,

uncircumcised prick, and get out of my life while I

find someone who doesn’t cum from the hood…and fuck

you too.

She hangs up the phone. Lauren re-enters.

LAUREN

Who was that?

STEPH

I’ll give you three guesses.

LAUREN

What did he want?

Lauren sits down next to Steph, and pours herself

a glass.

STEPH

Asked me if we could still have sex, while he’s with

Kiristen.

Lauren spits out her wine.

LAUREN

What?

STEPH

Yep.

Steph takes a drink out of the bottle.

LAUREN

It’s amazing how they turn out. I could have sworn he

was different.

STEPH

You and me both.

LAUREN

Damn shame.

STEPH

It is, and I just don’t know what happened. I think it

has to do with college.

LAUREN

College?

STEPH

Not just with him, with all men.

LAUREN

What does college have to do with it.

STEPH

The cliques and drama.

LAUREN

That’s high school, that doesn’t happen in college.

STEPH

You obviously were never around a college theatre

troupe.

LAUREN

Well, what happens to the men then?

STEPH

For Danny, I noticed he started to change once he began

starting for the football team. He was this nice,

sweet, and very built, football player but he never

started. Then when he started, I dunno. I guess he

thought that he needed to fit in with the boys more,

and started acting more…macho. He wanted me to give

it to him more, and he started to treat me worse, but I

let him, because let’s face it, at first it was kind of

hot.

LAUREN

Him treating you poorly was hot?

STEPH

Only at first.

LAUREN

Don’t you remember Lily?

STEPH

What about her?

LAUREN

She had this one guy come around and was this sweet,

sweet guy, a real gentleman, you know. And she said to

him, “sorry, you’re really sweet, but I only like to

date assholes.”

STEPH

She didn’t.

LAUREN

She did. And what’s more is she spent the rest of the

semester complaining about who she dated, and when she

was asked what she was looking for, she said someone

with green eyes and was a gentleman. And the boy that

was coming around had green eyes and was exactly who

she was looking for. And that is still not even the

worst part about it.

STEPH

What was the worst part?

LAUREN

The boy’s name was Ryan Gosling.

STEPH

Bullshit.

LAUREN

Honest to God. And she could have had him.

STEPH

Stepping over that blatant lie. After a while, all he

wanted was sex, and he was getting more and more of a

nightmare to be with. So in a weird sense, I am glad he

left me. I guess.

LAUREN

No, you should be glad he left you. You can do so much

better.

STEPH

I don’t know about that.

LAUREN

Oh shut up, have you seen yourself?

STEPH

No, I tend to stay away from reflective surfaces.

LAUREN

Stop it. You are beautiful, so suck it bitch.

STEPH

Not beautiful enough it seems.

LAUREN

Steph, with your body, and my taste in fashion, you

could get all the chocolate you want?

STEPH

Chocolate?

LAUREN

You know…chocolate.

STEPH

Choco-oh…Chocolate. You come up with that by

yourself?

LAUREN

No, Lindsay told me about it. But it’s such a perfect

analogy, isn’t it?

STEPH

I guess…

LAUREN

No, no, no, no, no. Think about it. I mean think about

chocolate itself. This is how it works. Once you taste

your first piece of chocolate, you can never stop can

you. I mean, you start to crave chocolate, and then you

learn, there are so many different kinds of chocolate.

There is white chocolate, there is dark chocolate, and

there is even chocolate that has the nuts with it.

Soon, all you want with some people is just chocolate,

and you want your chocolate everywhere. I mean, look at

our bathroom, we could have chocolate ALL over the

place!

STEPH

Wouldn’t that get a little…messy?

LAUREN

Well, if you just leave the chocolate out to long it

might melt, which is why you have to eat it when you

can.

STEPH

And if you have too much chocolate, or if the wrapper

breaks, you get fatter.

LAUREN

Oh honey. You’re not supposed to eat the chocolate bars

when they’re wrapped.

STEPH

Well, fuck Danny then. He can stick his little

firecrotched, uncut chocolate whereever he wants. As

long as he knows this supermarket is closed.

LAUREN

It’s always the gingers that do stuff like this, isn’t

it?

STEPH

Yep. There are only one family of gingers that we can

trust and they are…

LAUREN

Prince Harry.

STEPH

…the Weasley’s. Prince Harry? Are you kidding, we can

never trust the British Monarchy. They don’t do

anything except have weddings and children.

LAUREN

Isn’t that what the Weasley’s do?

STEPH

No, they also fought in the battle of Hogwarts, and

helped bring down Voldemort.

Stephanie’s phone goes off again.

LAUREN

Don’t answer that.

She answers. She is now close to slurring her

words, as they have been drinking this whole time.

STEPH

Hello…oh hello Danial…yeah…yeah…I am doing

FINE…well I am glad you broke up with

me…yeah…yeah I am completely good…why don’t you

sleep with Kirsten, because she obviously looked better

to you then I did…hey, I am okay with you being into

bestiality…because she looks like a poodle…no, you

listen…you have pushed me and pushed me, and you know

what, I wouldn’t have realized it until you broke it

off with me…so I want to thank you…for saving me

from yourself…and you know what…I am going to go

out to the bar tonight with my best friend Lauren…oh

yeah, and I am going to dress to kill, to fucking

kill…and I am going to get so much chocolate, I don’t

even know what I am going to be able to do with

myself…don’t you question me, I am not yours no

more…and you know, you know what, I hope they serve

beer in hell cus I will be seeing you there…and you

can go fuck your poodle.

Steph throws the phone down.

STEPH

Get your stuff. We are going out baby.

LAUREN

We going grocery shopping?

STEPH

Damn right we are. We are women. We can do anything we

want and you know what I want.

LAUREN

What?

STEPH

Free drinks at the bar, and a pound of Hershey’s.

LAUREN

I take it you’re over Danial?

Steph pauses and looks at Lauren.

STEPH

I’m sorry, Danial who?

FIN.

Lights up. A man and a woman are seen onstage in a living room setup with a coffee table, a couch, a love seat, a cabinet, and in the corner facing away from the “door” is a piano. The man is wearing a suit while the woman is in a dress. The two of them look as if they have just come from a wedding. The man is older, round late twenty’s early thirty’s. The woman is roughly the same age. In the split second between the lights going up, and the audience reacting to what they are seeing. The man, in a fit of rage, slaps the woman across the face causing her to fall back into a chair. She lets out a pitiful squeal and the man, angered and fuming, walks over to the cabinet, pulls out a drink, pours it, and shoots it back in one shot. The woman speaks first.

Gwen

You lying sack of shit.

The man turns around and faces her.

arthur

Lying? Me? That’s rich. That is really rich.

GWEN

How is that rich?

ARTHUR

Because of the two of us, I’m the liar.

gwen

You told me, on the day we were married.

ARTHUR

Oh, now you remember that we’re married?

GWEN

What is that supposed to mean?

ARTHUR

You know damn well what that means.

GWEN

On the day we were-

ARTHUR

Oh please.

GWEN

The day we were married. You said you would never strike me. That you were not that guy.

ARTHUR

Well, on the day that we were married, I never thought I could be this angry.

GWEN

Oh, what? Like you really helped yourself.

ARTHUR

Helped myself? Helped myself? You are my wife. My wife.

GWEN

And you think that’s been easy?

ARTHUR

How was it that hard. You were there, you remember our wedding. You just informed me of that. Walking down the aisle to “And So It Goes”. Or whatever we had playing. How was it difficult? I work a job that sends me places, you knew that coming into the marriage, considering I have the same job. I provide for you, what more could I have done?

gwen

You are never home.

ARTHUR

Obviously not if you were somehow able to fuck Mr. Lance Venner.

gwen

Doctor Lance V-

ARTHUR

He’s a dentist. They don’t count as doctors. That’s like saying Stephanie Myer’s literate.

GWEN

He has a PhD. He counts-

ARTHUR

I am not going to argue what the man’s education level is. The point I am making is that you cheated on me. How? Why?

GWEN

I was bored.

ARTHUR

Don’t you yell at me-WAIT. You cheated on me because you were BORED?

GWEN

Yes.

ARTHUR

You slut.

GWEN

Oh, go on you immature bastard. Call me names. I am not going to go cry.

ARTHUR

Have you met yourself?

gwen

That is not the point.

ARTHUR

No, you’re right. Of course you were bored. I only gave you everything you wanted.

gwen

You never gave me happiness.

ARTHUR

Then why the hell did you marry me? Jesus.

GWEN

There is no need to bring his name up, especially in vain.

ARTHUR

Again, you can remember the third commandment, however you couldn’t finish reading the damn thing to remember the seventh.

GWEN

There more guidelines.

ARTHUR

Only when it suits you.

gwen

This is what I am talking about. You make me feel stupid. You put me down, all the time. And may God strike me dead-

ARTHUR

One could only hope.

GWEN

Ahhh! You make me so angry.

ARTHUR

Angry? Angry? I make you angry. You must be joking. Honestly. You have to be. Do you see the shit you’re shoveling? Or are you just Eli? Making prophecies without being able to see what you’re doing?

GWEN

Like you never cheated on me.

ARTHUR

No, I didn’t, because I, unlike you, respected our marriage.

GWEN

I respected our marriage.

ARTHUR

For what? A year? Who was before the cavity stripper? A bartender on a cruise ship?

GWEN

No, I have never cheated on you before Lance.

ARTHUR

What made you change your mind?

GWEN

I wasn’t happy. I wanted for nothing, yet I needed everything.

ARTHUR

Like what? Euthanasia?

GWEN

Romance, a sense of adventure. Those things that you neglected to give me.

ARTHUR

He’s a dentist. What kind of adventure and romance could he give you. Did he sit you down in a chair look at you and go, “Oh  oh yes ma’am, that is a mighty big hole, I don’t know how I missed that one there. I better drill it and fill it?”

GWEN

That was only once.

ARTHUR

And that’s adventurous?

GWEN

Compared to you.

Arthur just gapes at her. Shocked into silence. Then after a moment of trying to speak. He succeeds.

ARTHUR

What did he do to woo you? Did he gaze into your eyes through his lenses, flicking gunk off your teeth.

GWEN

I don’t have to tell you anything.

ARTHUR

I am your husband. I am not some throwaway hookup leftover from college. I deserve to know.

gwen

If you must know, I bumped into him at the supermarket.

ARTHUR

The supermarket?

GWEN

Yes. He was shopping for sugar free gum.

ARTHUR

He went to a supermarket to find sugar free gum?

GWEN

That is not the point. I ran into him there, and as we did a few things of small talk. He stopped and looked at me.

ARTHUR

He looked at you?

GWEN

Like no man has ever before. He peered into my eyes and then said to me, words that no man has ever said before. He looked at me and said “Your eyes. I have never noticed them before.” I replied “What about them?” He said back to me, “they are emerald.” “No, no” he said back. “They are emerald, with an arch of hazel, that they are eyes of Aphrodite, like a spear peering through his soul.” Never had I heard those words spoken to me before. Those weren’t the words of a Doctor. They were the words of a poet. As good as Whitman, or Frost, or any of those old things.

ARTHUR

That is the most asinine bullshit I have ever heard in my life.

GWEN

It touched my soul. Those words.

ARTHUR

And that’s the second.

GWEN

It’s far better then anything that you have ever said to me.

ARTHUR

Are we including “I do”?

GWEN

Forget that. You have never done anything romantic for me. Never spoke to me, nothing. You show up from work, I could have been wearing a trench coat, with a lacy silk thong, and no bra, and you would have looked at me and said, whats for dinner Bogey.

ARTHUR

How would you know? Whenever I came home from work I found you on the couch devouring a bag of chips, and watching Oprah.

GWEN

You never gave me a reason too.

ARTHUR

So this is all my fault is it?

GWEN

Yes. Yes it is.

ARTHUR

It’s my fault that you decided that it was okay for you to commit adultery.

GWEN

That is what I have been telling you.

ARTHUR

Because I “didn’t make you happy”

GWEN

Never.

ARTHUR

Then why did we get married. If you hated me that much, what possessed you to think that the two of us should have been together?

GWEN

You were bookish.

ARTHUR

Bookish? What the hell do you mean by that?

gwen

You are well read. You could see these far off places, and imagine them. You knew things. You were a Dustin Hoffman type. Not the strongest, but nerdy and quite. You seemed like a safe option.

ARTHUR

A safe option?

GWEN

That I could marry you and not have to worry about you doing anything or interferring with anything I wanted to do.

ARTHUR

So you married me simply to have what? A safe place to go?

GWEN

I married you because I knew you were able to sustain your job. That you would be able to work and I could stay home. That I wouldn’t have to life a finger, and if you weren’t good enough for sex. I could find someone else easily and not worry about you doing anything about it, because let’s face it. I know that I am the best that you could have hoped for.

ARTHUR

So now to throw salt in the wound, you are telling me that I could never end up with someone better then you?

GWEN

I thought it was obvious.

ARTHUR

Well considering I wasted five years of my life with you, I guess that we will never know now will we?

GWEN

But I did. Which is why I took pity on you, and helped myself at the same time.

ARTHUR

Why thank you.

GWEN

Your welcome.

ARTHUR

I was being sarcastic.

GWEN

I wasn’t.

ARTHUR

Which is why I think you are a cold heartless bitch.

GWEN

And you hitting me makes me know that you are the sack of shit I always beleived you to be.

ARTHUR

I guess we are all entitled to our own opinons then.

GWEN

Yes.

They sit in silence for a moment. Arthur gets up to grab another drink. Gwen just sits in her seat, she is more at ease now. Arthur again slams his drink and then sits down. Gwen then continues.

GWEN

I am actually glad you found out. It makes things so much more simpiler.

ARTHUR

What do you mean by “simpiler”?

gwen

Well, I was sick of all this sneaking around. Now that it is out in the open, it makes it so much easier to deal with.

ARTHUR

Wait, you still plan on seeing this man.

GWEN

Of course.

ARTHUR

You see nothing wrong with this?

gwen

No. I do not.

ARTHUR

What the hell is wrong with you?

gwen

Nothing.

ARTHUR

You are the absolute worst. I, I, I, I can’t even look at you. What the hell did you do to my wife?

GWEN

Nothing. I think that’s what is eating at you the most. The fact that nothing has changed. You just, what’s the phrase, peered through the looking glass, and the reflection is not what you thought it was.

ARTHUR

What are you even talking about?

GWEN

Just go ask Alice. She didn’t like what she saw either did she?

ARTHUR

What does thi-?

GWEN

Did she?

ARTHUR

Stop speaking in riddles. Jesus-

GWEN

Dont sa-

ARTHUR

God Dammit, Jesus Mary and Fucking Joseph. I don’t give a flying fuck anymore. I don’t even know who you are anymore. You are not my wife. You are a, a, a, a shell. 

GWEN

A shell?

ARTHUR

Yes you’re a shell.

GWEN

And what does that even mean?

ARTHUR

It means that you are nothing. That you are filled with, with… air and just… nothing. That you are just the outside of a woman. You are not even a real person. A real person has feelings and… other shit, which obviously, you are incapable of comprehending. You are just a, a….You are just a condom. You are a fucking condom. You are just a piece of fucking latex. No not even that, you are a piece of lambskin. Just waiting for someone to stick their dick inside of you so you can become a functioning member of society.

gwen

I am a condom?

ARTHUR

Yes.

GWEN

And what the hell would that make you? A tampon. Just one tug and everything just falls into a bloody mess?

ARTHUR

I can’t beleive you. I’m so angry that I could, that I could-

GWEN

Hit me? Too late you already did that.

ARTHUR

Yeah, I remember, unlike you I can remember small insignificant details. Like hitting you, and the whole being faithful to each other thing.

Gwen

You want to stop bringing that up? You are beating that into the ground.

ARTHUR

How could I possibly thought that you were good for me? What possibly could have made me believe that you were the one I was supposed to be with forever, huh? I just, I don’t know anymore.

There is a slight pause, where Arthur just sits down in the chair and stares away from Gwen.

ARTHUR

I like writing. I like writing dialogue between two people, the whole give and take, the back and forth of phrases. Coming up with new ones. Then, when I can’t think of anything,  I can sit there and let the writings just sit there, waiting for me to come up with the perfect phrase, just the right thing to say, any of it, all by just waiting for the moment to come and the lightbulb flicks on. -pause here- That doesn’t work in real life, does it. I mean here I am, and there you are and I so desperatly want to say something witty and soul crushing all at the same time. Yet the best thing I can come up with is fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck You. Fuck you, you ignorant slut. You soul stealing heartbreaking three penny whore. I wish you were branded like Hester. That all the world knew your crime. Fuck you.

There is a beat then-

GWEN

Are you done?

ARTHUR

Yeah, yeah I’m done.

GWEN

Good.

ARTHUR

Fine.

GWEN

Obviously, we cannot live like I intended. But in time, I think you will realise that this is best. That we reamin together, and allow us to continue as if neither of us knew what has been happening, ignorance, as you know, is bliss so-

ARTHUR

Get out.

GWEN

-we can liv- pause here- What did you just say?

ARTHUR

I said get out.

GWEN

This is my home, and I will not get out.

ARTHUR

Your home? Your home? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Didn’t you just spend all of this time telling me how you were married to me simply so I could provide a home for you?

GWEN

And you have-

ARTHUR

Exactly. I have provided a home for you. It is not your’s it was just an invitation for you to live here. Now get the hell out of my house.

GWEN

But-

ARTHUR

Out.

GWEN

I-

ARTHUR

Get.

GWEN

You-

ARTHUR

Out. Now.

He starts pushing Gwen out towards the door. She hits him, he does nothing. They keep repeating what they are saying until they reach the door, to which Gwen gets away. She then looks at Arthur.

GWEN

But Arthur, where am I to go?

Arthur grabs her by the arms, and moves her outside.

ARTHUR

Frankly my dear, I don’t give a fuck.

Arhtur “shuts the door” and looks around the room. He is by himself now. He walks over to the coffee table, opens a book and pulls out a cigarette and a lighter. He lights the cigarette. He then walks over to the piano, sits down at it, and starts to play “And It Goes On” by Billy Joel. He has a look of pain and confusion on his face as the lights go out.

Fin.

Scene 1

A room is seen. The room features two chairs across the room from each other, with an end-table with a phone on-top on stage right, and just a chair on stage left. Two sets of bookshelves are shown in the back of the room, in between them is a portrait of a man sitting, along with two chairs seated on opposite sides of a table in the center of the room. A vase is seen in the center of the table with star gazer lilies inside of it, next to it is tray with glasses with drinks on it. After the lights come up five people enter the room. Two of them are female, the other three are male. They enter in a storm, where the occasional sound of thunder is heard. (At directors discretion)

One man, named Alexander Monkshood, a horticulturalist, stands over by the books, and starts to systematically take one off the shelf, turn it over in his hands, and then place it back on the shelf. Each of the woman sit across from each other at the table. One of them, dressed in a simple white cotton dress, is named Vesper, sits down and crosses her legs. She is a younger more beautiful version of a woman, as she has a handbag with her, that she pulls out a small compact make-up case and touches up her make-up. The woman across from her, is Dr. Aella Ulysses, a psychologist, sits down at the table across from Vesper, and sits as straight as possible, as if to show Vesper how a true “gentlewoman” behaves. Of the two remaining men they sit across from each other in the remaining chairs. One of them, a man that is younger dressed in a three piece suit that is all black save for a red tie, leans back in his chair. This man is Xavier Aidan, he is a defense attorney that recently got a man acquitted in a murder trial. The second man sits down across from Xavier, dressed in a more casual attire. This man is known as the Honorable Judge Peter Lucifer. Peter takes a glass from the tray and sits down across from Xavier. He happens to be the judge that presided over the case that was won by Xavier Aidan. Thinking that Xavier bribed jury members, but having no proof, was forced to accept the foreman’s vote of not guilty. He is bitter about it towards Xavier, for he believed that the man was guilty. The five sit in silence until it is broken by Xavier.

Xavier

Does anybody know why we are here?

vesper

I was just thinking about that myself.

XAVIER

Well, then what are we just doing sitting around here then huh? I got other things I could be doing.

peter

How poor are they who have no patience.

XAVIER

Excuse me?

PETER

Shakespeare.

XAVIER

Go fuck yourself, Mamet.

Aella

Really, there is no need for that language.

PETER

No, it is quite alright. I have known Xavier for quite some time now.

Alexander

Wait, you too know each other?

XAVIER

Unfortunately.

VESPER

Would you mind explaining who you are?

PETER

I am Peter Lucifer.

AELLA

Are you not the judge who presided over the Walter case?

peter

Indeed I am.

ALEXANDER

Then that makes you-

XAVIER

Xavier Aidan, the defense attorney in the case.

VESPER

You’re the man that defended Sidney Walter?

XAVIER

Yes, I am.

AELLA

Walter was discharged from my Institute.

XAVIER

Who the hell are you?

AELLA

Doctor Aella Ulysses. I am a psychologist for the Nashville Institute of Mental Health. I personally oversaw Walter for over a year before letting him go.

ALEXANDER

So you are the person responsible for releasing a madman into the world?

PETER

I am sorry but who are you?

ALEXANDER

Alexander Monkshood, a horticulturalist.

vesper

So we have a judge, a lawyer, a psychologist, and a horticulturalist?

AELLA

You never told us who you were.

VESPER

Oh, do forgive me, my name is Vesper, I am a journalist for the Nashville Scene.

PETER

So what could a man want with a judge, a lawyer, a psychologist, a horticulturalist, and a journalist?

XAVIER

To invite us over for tea? I don’t know, frankly I don’t give a shit, I just want him to show up.

peter

Feeling nervous Xavier?

XAVIER

No, Lucy, I feel fantastic.

AELLA

What beautiful flowers.

Vesper takes a drink off the table and adds sugar to it, then stirs it with a spoon.

ALEXANDER

Yes, star-gazer lilies, they are meant to express purity and sympathy. Very popular amongst funerals.

The two of them start to pantomime talking.

XAVIER

Lucy, you see that picture back there?

PETER

Yes, I have.

XAVIER

I feel like I have seen it before.

AELLA

Mr. Aidan, who was it that your client murdered. Mr. Monkshood and I were just discussing the case, and we could not remember his name.

XAVIER

Kelly. It was Frank Kelly. A successful businessman, I believe.

PETER

Yes, he was in the meat packaging business.

Vesper takes a sip from her cup.

XAVIER

No, he was in the wholesale-

Vesper starts choking, and sputtering while foam comes out of her mouth. She falls to the floor.

ALEXANDER

What in the name of God-

Peter gets up and runs to her.

PETER

Aella, you are a doctor, help.

AELLA

I’m just a psychologist, I don’t know what to do!

Vesper’s eyes roll back into her head, and she slumps down, dead.

PETER

She’s dead.

XAVIER

Of course. We have a doctor, and she can’t do anything. Just like all psychologists.

PETER

Xavier, this is no time to panic.

XAVIER

Fuck you Peter. This is the exact time to panic. What the hell just happened?

ALEXANDER

She was poisoned.

XAVIER

No shit Sherlock, you figure that all by yourself?

peter

Xavier, do something useful and try the phone.

Xavier walks over and picks up the phone, then slams it back down.

XAVIER

There’s no dial tone.

PETER

Alexander, check the door.

Alexander walks over to the door and comes back.

ALEXANDER

The door is locked.

AELLA

What does this mean?

PETER

That we were all brought here for a reason.

ALEXANDER

And what reason could that possibly be?

PETER

Considering that three of us have connections to the Sidney Walter trial, I think it is a safe assumption that it has to do with that.

ALEXANDER

But I have no connections, I own a greenhouse. There is no possible way that I could have done anything with that.

XAVIER

Then I would figure out why you are here, while we figure out what just happened.

AELLA

There is a letter, here, under the tray.

She picks it out from under the tray and then reads it out loud.

AELLA

“One is dead the rest remain, for judgement that comes with pain, each of you have done a crime, and you will atone in time.”

XAVIER

What in the name of christ does that mean?

PETER

It means, that Vesper’s death was a murder.

ALEXANDER

And the rest of us have wronged someone in the past to bring this on ourselves?

PETER

It would appear so.

AELLA

I have done nothing wrong.

PETER

This has to do with Sidney. There is no other way. Unless we have all sined in our own manners.

ALEXANDER

I have lead a good life. I do not know what this person is talking about. I could not possibly have done anything wrong.

XAVIER

I have not done anything wrong either.

PETER

I do not claim to be innocent in life. However, what I have done to warrent this, leaves me doubting.

ALEXANDER

So there is now some sadistic murdering killer loose-

PETER

I wouldn’t say loose.

ALEXANDER

Well why not? Huh?

PETER

Because the killer is one of the four of us.

XAVIER

You are joking.

PETER

I am not. I took a cup as well and drank out of it, I am not dead.

XAVIER

So you are saying-

peter

That someone in this room murdered Vesper, knows why we are here, and plans on killing the rest of us.

ALEXANDER

This is absolute madness. Simple madness.

AELLA

Madness is rarely simple.

ALEXANDER

Shut up killer.

AELLA

Me? The killer?

ALEXANDER

Don’t act like you are innocent. You were the one sitting the closest to her. You were the one that posioned her cup.

AELLA

Now really Mr. Monkswood.

ALEXANDER

What are you two standing around for? Grab her.

PETER

She also admitted to having something to do with the case. She was wrong.

AELLA

How was I wrong.

PETER

You realeased Sidney Walter from the institute.

AELLA

He seemed in normal health.

XAVIER

Seemed?

PETER

Your job is to know, not assume.

XAVIER

Unless she was bribed?

Pause.

PETER

How much?

AELLA

75,000. Up front. All cash.

ALEXANDER

See, she is a liar as well as a disgrace. She killed Vesper who had to have been a journalist who uncovered her secret.

XAVIER

That does make sense Doctor.

AELLA

No, I have no idea who Vesper was. I swear that-

Black out.

XAVIER

What happened?

peter

We lost power.

A scream is heard and the lights come back up. When the lights come back up, we see Aella sitting in her chair, with her blood at her throat.

XAVIER

Jesus Christ.

PETER

Another one gone.

ALEXANDER

Which one of you did it? Huh? Which one of you sick bastards did it?

PETER

You honestly think we did it?

ALEXANDER

Of course, both of you have ties to what she just confesed. Both of you are together. You knew each other before you came here. Obviously you are in cahoots together. And now both of you are going to kill me. Well I would like to see you try.

PETER

We are not going to kill you.

ALEXANDER

That’s exaclty what a killer would say before they killed you.

XAVIER

How do I know you are not the killer Lucy?

PETER

What are you saying Xavier? You honestly think I killed the doctor?

XAVIER

Well, I don’t think it is wise for me to rule it out.

peter

Or are you covering yourself up? Just like you did with the jury.

XAVIER

Go get fucked Lucifer. I never tampered with the jury. I know you are on some hell bound quest to prove that I bribed them, even to the extent of attempting to have my liscense taken away. I won that case fairly. There was a lack of evidence, and I exploited it.

PEter

You told them a story.

XAVIER

Of course I told them a story. What am I supposed to do, leave it to facts? I am a winner.

ALEXANDER

See, he even claims to tell stories. How do you know he is not just doing this to stall time. Until the next power outage.

PETER

Or are you, by getting us to turn on each other?

ALEXANDER

I am the only innocnet man here.

XAVIER

Or the best liar.

PETER

This coming from a master.

XAVIER

Alright, you want the truth, I will give it to you, I bribed one of the juriors, alright? My streak was important to me. I needed this win.

PETER

Enough to send a guilty man back out into the real world.

XAVIER

Yes.

Lights off.

PETER

Nobody move. Don’t you dare move.

ALEXANDER

Which one of you is it? Huh? I swear, I will kill anyone who comes near me.

Lights on. Xavier is found on the ground. his tie wrapped around a chair, and he is dead.

PETER

Broken neck.

ALEXANDER

You know this because you did it to him.

PETEr

I did not touch a hair on that boy.

ALEXANDER

No, you just broke his neck. I thought you weren’t a doctor, how do you know that’s what he died of unless you did it.

PETER

I feel as if you have been lying this whole time. What have you done. Huh? You must have done something that someone knows about to get you here. You have to have done something.

ALEXANDER

Fine, since, I am probibly going to die, I might as well get this off my chest. I hid the weapon.

peter

What?

ALEXANDER

The last piece of evidence, I hid it, behind my inside my Wisteria Vine. It’s all nice and tucked in.

PETER

How did-

ALEXANDER

I owed him money. There was an exotic plant I wanted to buy and Sidney loaned me money for a favor. It wasn’t my fault. I needed that plant, if I wanted to be respected as a-

PETER

You sold your soul for a plant?

ALEXANDER

You don’t understand-

Lights out, scream from Alexander. Lights on. He is lying facedown.

PETER

Alexander? Alexander? Who are you?!?

Peter, walks downstage center. And stands there, breathing heavily. Vesper stands up. Wipes her mouth, and then pulls a gun out of her handbag.

VESPER

Well, Peter. The jokes on you.

Peter turns to face her.

PETER

Vesper?

VESPER

Yes, it was me.

PETER

I thought you were-

VESPER

Dead. No, only faking. I am quite the actress. My daddy told me that.

PETER

Why?

VESPER

Isn’t it obvious? My name is Vesper Kelly. You all helped kill my father, and then let the man escape without justice. Tut, tut. I just couldn’t let that happen.

PETER

Your father is-

VESPER

Frank Kelly. And you let that man Xavier bribe a juror, right under your nose. Now how does that make you qualified to continue being a judge.

PETER

I can explain-

VESPER

Do you know what it is like? Having the last person in your family die, have him get murdered, and then see his killer walk.

PETER

If you were there, you could have testified-

VESPER

I was in Toronto on a report, I could not come back for the trial.

peter

I swear, I tried all I cou-

VESPER

These are lovely flowers, aren’t they. My father got them for me, every time I had a dance recital. He would give them to me, with a note saying my little princess. It’s a shame they are so misleading though.

PETER

How are they misleading?

VESPER

Because as Alexander had said, they stand for Sympathy, and when you die, I will have none.

She fires the gun into Peter and Peter falls down dead. Vesper wipes the gun, then puts it in Alexander’s hand. She then walks over to the painting.

VESPER

Don’t worry Daddy, your little princess took care of it.

End.